"How can I get my wife to have sex with me more often"?

This is the question that I saw posed in an online forum. It’s not the first time that I’ve seen a post like this. It’s amazing how a man who wants a more passionate relationship with his wife, the love of his life (his words), went online to ask a group of strangers how to achieve this goal. What’s more amazing is the advice he received.

Here are some of the paraphrased replies:

 

• Do housework and she’ll be happy enough to have sex with you.
• Take her to an expensive restaurant and buy her flowers.
• Buy her jewelry or take her shopping.
• Talk about sex more so she’ll know you’re thinking about it.
• Take her on a trip without the kids.
• Tell her you’ll find someone else if she doesn’t satisfy you.
• Get her to watch porn with you.

 Needless to say, all of these answers were horrible – especially the last two. Don’t get me wrong, a dinner date and flowers have their place for a couple who enjoys going to dinner and a woman who likes flowers. However, who knows if this man’s wife likes either. No children were mentioned in his question so who knows if a trip without kids is relevant. Introducing pornography certainly doesn’t have a place in increasing passion in marriage.

I’m sure those who posted replies had the best intentions. I’m sure they may have suggested what has worked for them in the past. However, without proper knowledge of the couple’s specific situation, these answers are little more than manipulative tactics that will not facilitate long-term transformation in the marriage.

The only person qualified to answer this gentleman’s question is his wife. For all we know, she may not even know that he is unsatisfied sexually. Open and honest communication is what’s needed to ensure intimacy in marriage. Couples have 0% chance of resolving marital issues that are not being discussed.

I understand that our digital society has created new ways for us to communicate with people from many parts of the world. But, let’s not forget that a good old fashioned heart to heart talk with your spouse is the best way for the two of you to know what the other is thinking – not relying on the advice of strangers.

If you think your buddies in the online group know you and care more about you than your spouse you might want to unplug for a bit. People change over time. Get to know the love of your life again and let her get to know you. That’s the only way you’ll fall in love again and have the transformation that you desire in your marriage.

Do you talk to your spouse?

It breaks my heart to meet so many married couples who are living together as strangers. They don't really know each other anymore because they don't talk. They don't want to be like the scrappy couple that no one invites out anymore. They do not want to risk the pain of rejection or humiliation that could be lurking right around the corner from a serious conversation about marital problems. So silence prevails.

The sex starved husband spends more time at work and hanging out with the boys as a distraction. The unloved wife volunteers to chaufeur the soccer team, chaperone every field trip and completely consume herself with the only thing she thinks she's kind of good at - parenting. They become accustomed to being alone. Lonliness becomes a constant companion. They don't like it but there's nothing that can be done. Right?

Divorce, affairs and resigning to a lifetime of misery seem reasonable, now. Long gone are the vows of forever made by fools in love. He resents giving up his freedom. After all, she surely doesn't love him anymore. She resents giving up her dreams. After all, he surely doesn't love her anymore. Soon they will part. 

 This is foolishness. Relationships cannot exist without communication. Couples know that the number one problem in marriages is lack of communication. It's ok if you don't know exactly what to say. Go to God in prayer and he will give you what to say. God freely gives wisdom to those who ask. There are no winners in a marriage ruled by selfishness and fear. Whatever the issue, talk about it. You'll be glad you did.

How did we get here?

So many married couples today are disappointed and frustrated in their marriage. Men and women both are feeling extreme loneliness even though they're married. They each have their reasons "why" they are lonely in the marriage.

When asked, fingers are pointed. Reasons usually start with "He won't..." or "She never...." It's amazing how neither seems to recognize their own contribution to the state of the marriage. 

The saddest part about a lonely marriage is both parties seem to be convinced that it can't be changed. They think they're doomed to a life of misery and boredom. Even worse, adultery or divorce are inevitable if things don't change.

The good news is, this doesn't have to be the end of your story. If you've read this far, you can probably relate. I can relate. I was there in 2007. That's when I filed for divorce.  That's when I decided there was no alternative. I thought the only way I'd ever be happy was to start over with someone else. The circumstances my husband and I were dealing with at the time were overwhelming and I wanted out. 

When I left my attorney's office, that day, I immediately knew I was making a mistake. She had even told me during our meeting that I didn't have to go through with it. God made it clear to me that divorce was not in His plan. 

When I asked myself, "How did we get here?” my mind was flooded with thoughts of situations that happened over the years. When I continued to dive deeper, I realized that every one of these situations was due to a misunderstanding. Lack of communication was the culprit, not my husband. 

You see, it's not fair to punish your spouse for not meeting your un-communicated needs. Every expectation that's not shared is an unrealistic expectation. Whether it's a household chore or a sexual desire it's your responsibility to tell your spouse what you need and help them understand why. It's also your responsibility to listen to your spouse when they come to you their needs and explanations. After all, you vowed to be together until death forsaking all others. It is unreasonable to deny your spouse's needs and expect them to remain faithful to you emotionally and physically.

Whatever state your marriage is in right now, you can have passion and intimacy again! Your lives together can be fun, adventurous, and fulfilling again! It takes two but it can start with one.

First step, go to God in prayer. This is your first and most important relationship. Your spouse can never fill a God sized void. Your spouse can never give you what you should be seeking God for. God is the one who loves you unconditionally. God is the one who made you in his image and gave you power to defeat the enemy attacking your life. God is the one who gives you wisdom. However, you do have to ask for it. God wants a closer relationship with you. You have to communicate with Him, just like you have to communicate with your spouse. Ask yourself; does the way your spouse treat you resemble the way you treat God?

Step two, make the decision. You have to decide that you are standing for your marriage NO MATTER WHAT! If leaving is an option it's very difficult to stand during tough times.

Step three, talk about it. Whatever the "it" is that seems to be the problem. This also means be willing to listen with an open mind. Communicating is about giving and receiving information.

Step four, decide what you want your life to be like together. Do this step together! Don't assume that you both want the same things. Assumptions have likely gotten you to where you are today. 

Step five, make changes to make it happen. Take steps to a better marriage. If you attempt a complete marriage overhaul in a day you're setting yourself up to fail. Start with small changes. As you make those changes, others will become easier to tackle. If your spouse wants more help around the house, commit to a certain chore that you do every week. If your spouse wants more sex, make it happen. You know you like it!

Improving your marriage can happen with the first conversation but it takes a lifetime to make a marriage work. You never arrive at a blissful state and just stop making an effort. 

Let’s continue the conversation. Post your comments or questions below.