How did we get here?

So many married couples today are disappointed and frustrated in their marriage. Men and women both are feeling extreme loneliness even though they're married. They each have their reasons "why" they are lonely in the marriage.

When asked, fingers are pointed. Reasons usually start with "He won't..." or "She never...." It's amazing how neither seems to recognize their own contribution to the state of the marriage. 

The saddest part about a lonely marriage is both parties seem to be convinced that it can't be changed. They think they're doomed to a life of misery and boredom. Even worse, adultery or divorce are inevitable if things don't change.

The good news is, this doesn't have to be the end of your story. If you've read this far, you can probably relate. I can relate. I was there in 2007. That's when I filed for divorce.  That's when I decided there was no alternative. I thought the only way I'd ever be happy was to start over with someone else. The circumstances my husband and I were dealing with at the time were overwhelming and I wanted out. 

When I left my attorney's office, that day, I immediately knew I was making a mistake. She had even told me during our meeting that I didn't have to go through with it. God made it clear to me that divorce was not in His plan. 

When I asked myself, "How did we get here?” my mind was flooded with thoughts of situations that happened over the years. When I continued to dive deeper, I realized that every one of these situations was due to a misunderstanding. Lack of communication was the culprit, not my husband. 

You see, it's not fair to punish your spouse for not meeting your un-communicated needs. Every expectation that's not shared is an unrealistic expectation. Whether it's a household chore or a sexual desire it's your responsibility to tell your spouse what you need and help them understand why. It's also your responsibility to listen to your spouse when they come to you their needs and explanations. After all, you vowed to be together until death forsaking all others. It is unreasonable to deny your spouse's needs and expect them to remain faithful to you emotionally and physically.

Whatever state your marriage is in right now, you can have passion and intimacy again! Your lives together can be fun, adventurous, and fulfilling again! It takes two but it can start with one.

First step, go to God in prayer. This is your first and most important relationship. Your spouse can never fill a God sized void. Your spouse can never give you what you should be seeking God for. God is the one who loves you unconditionally. God is the one who made you in his image and gave you power to defeat the enemy attacking your life. God is the one who gives you wisdom. However, you do have to ask for it. God wants a closer relationship with you. You have to communicate with Him, just like you have to communicate with your spouse. Ask yourself; does the way your spouse treat you resemble the way you treat God?

Step two, make the decision. You have to decide that you are standing for your marriage NO MATTER WHAT! If leaving is an option it's very difficult to stand during tough times.

Step three, talk about it. Whatever the "it" is that seems to be the problem. This also means be willing to listen with an open mind. Communicating is about giving and receiving information.

Step four, decide what you want your life to be like together. Do this step together! Don't assume that you both want the same things. Assumptions have likely gotten you to where you are today. 

Step five, make changes to make it happen. Take steps to a better marriage. If you attempt a complete marriage overhaul in a day you're setting yourself up to fail. Start with small changes. As you make those changes, others will become easier to tackle. If your spouse wants more help around the house, commit to a certain chore that you do every week. If your spouse wants more sex, make it happen. You know you like it!

Improving your marriage can happen with the first conversation but it takes a lifetime to make a marriage work. You never arrive at a blissful state and just stop making an effort. 

Let’s continue the conversation. Post your comments or questions below.